dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
