What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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