Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
