I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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