my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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