Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
