this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
