Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
