you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
