I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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