yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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