every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
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