you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
