It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
