if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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