I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
