someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
