Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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