i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
