Define "chronic" masturbator.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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