Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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