I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
