Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
