every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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