I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
