her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
