I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize