If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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