I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
