So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
