this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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