Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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