I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
