I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
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I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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