Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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