I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
