This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
