Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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