Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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