dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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