just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
