he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
