either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
