i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
