Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
