I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
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You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
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My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?