well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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