did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
