"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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