Where did you get a picture of my penis
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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