I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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