Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
