i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
