why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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