I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
