Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
