No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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